i am so averse to reaching out to people via the internet. of all my blogs, only two are public. while it's nice to have readers, i like the feeling of not being judged more. i don't know what it is. maybe i'm just insecure. maybe i give other's opinion of me too much weight. either way, i'm scared of putting myself out there. i'm scared people won't like me. i'm scared i'm not enough.
this is all very unhealthy but it's how i feel. i wish there were a way for me to be satisfied with who i am and not care what others think. i find it impossible at the moment with all of my insecurities. for example, my pimpled face, my flawed legs, my big thighs, and my ugly feet. i cannot get over these things no matter how hard i tried. i can't tell you how many opportunities i let pass me by because of these things. how many things i've held back on because of these imperfections. i find myself wishing these things could be fixed magically because if these things were gone, i would finally be happy. sometimes i think my only motivation to be successful is to have enough money to afford all the treatments i want from Belo Medical Group. i long for the day when i can finally take care of my vanities so i could start living.
but as they say, life is what happens when you keep planning or something. so for now, i'm stuck with hiding my flaws until such a time i can be comfortable with them, or i have enough money to fix them all.
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