stark contrasts

i can't believe another semester has ended. already, i'm an incoming junior and i feel like i haven't accomplished much. i feel like i haven't changed in a significant way. i feel like i'm still the same person i was when i entered college. like i haven't learned anything new. like i've stopped surprising myself.

in some ways, this isn't accurate. i actually have a barkada now. people i love spending time with; people i can laugh with. a stark contrast from who i was back in first year: walking around the acad oval during lunch break because dining alone was unbearable. that scene of me walking along the acad oval will forever be associated with my loneliness. it's weird how this sem ended with the same image.

i met rose at the AS steps to give her the money for the farewell dinner and as i walked back to econ to get to my car, i opted to walk back instead of take a jeep. on the way, i passed by this group of women in button downs and long skirts, handing out flyers with religious messages. i passed by these street children who were sitting by the grass of the sunken garden. i passed by these girls taking "creative" shots with their DSLR. i passed by this group of people playing frisbee. things i used to pass by everyday that i found lacking this semester. what with being holed up in BA all day long or always in a hurry to get to my next class that walking is not really an option.

as i passed by BA to get to econ, i saw the "popular" people group gathered at the BA steps. once again, i felt like a freshie all over again. still on the outside looking in. but now, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. i always used to think, what can i do to reach that level of happiness? what can i do to be accepted? i gave myself many solutions but the only thing to do really is to be yourself. shitty advice for anyone you have to tell it to but profound when you realize it all by yourself.

i drive away from school in my car, glancing at the fuel gauge to see if i can make it home alright. a stark contrast again to the first day of the semester when i was late for my 8:30 AM CW 10 class because i decided to experiment and take the lrt 2 - UP-Katipunan jeep route to get to diliman.

a lot has changed. but a lot of things have stayed the same. i wonder when i can surprise myself again.