No Guts, No Glory

you know what the worst feeling in the world is? to me, it's having no one to talk to. i genuinely feel like i have no one i can share what i'm really thinking with. i have close friends but no best friends. well, that's not true. i have my best friend. the girl i've known since third grade. the girl who can cheer me up in no time. but she's so far away and i feel like we're living separate lives at the moment. living in separate worlds.

what do i want to talk about anyway? what's making me feel like i can't tell anyone the things i'm thinking? well, first of all, a friend of mine is thinking about deferring from the org we're joining together. to be honest, my heart kind of broke at the news. i pictured us succeeding all the way as a unit. i guess i was wrong. nothing is set in stone but i happen to know for a fact that a person is capable of convincing himself to do anything under certain circumstances. i realize that she has her reasons and i won't like her less because of it. but i did feel true sadness and disappointment because at the beginning, it looked so promising and bright. i have honestly enjoyed getting to know her better and being co-apps (i.e. spending time together, knowing the same people, etc.) certainly helped. i can't count the number of times i decided i wanted to defer from AIESEC. i knew from the beginning i wasn't ready for it and i let myself play along so i would be accepted. but since my heart wasn't in it, i didn't succeed. so i completely understand that yes, at the beginning it sounded like a good idea but as you spend more time on it, it doesn't turn out to be your cup of tea. it's a shame though. she will be sorely missed should she decide to go through with deferring.

another new thing going on: twitter. frankly, i'm not really enjoying it. maybe i signed up too late, maybe it's a million other things. but the fact is, i have never been comfortable sharing my thoughts with perfect strangers. all my blogs have been practically secret. i just don't enjoy the publicness of it all. i wonder why that is. perhaps i'm too afraid of judgement. of what people will think of me as soon as they get a glimpse of what's going on in my head. or worse, what if they have no judgement at all? what if they don't even care. so i've always picked the private route - not letting people know about my blogs, not syncing them. and twitter completely negates that. now, i crave for the attention. i have a desire to be followed by the people i follow. but at the same time, i am scared. i am scared to hold their attention for as long as it takes them to read my tweets. what do they make of it all? what does it say about me? all this further confirms my suspicion that i am an honest to goodness introvert. or maybe i'm just paranoid. but i know that i'm just scared. and it is pathetic but that is what i am. i hate the feeling of wanting to prove myself when i barely know what i have to prove. there is no freedom in twitter. do i change what people already perceive me as, or make them see "the real me"? will it make any difference at the end of the day? will it have affected how they view me forever? will i lose the respect they have perhaps given me blindly? this comes to mind the saying: no guts, no glory. how very true indeed. how very true in my case. i must have more guts if i expect anyone to uphold me for what i am capable of. but at the same time, i am giving them the power to look down on me for my inabilities. perhaps i am reading too much into this. it's twitter for god's sake. but recent events have me me treat is a completely political platform for which i must navigate with utmost care and caution. there's also this other thing that concerns me. it is the obsessive need to check the twitter feed. what is with that? surely, i'm not the only one. i fucking knew it. i knew i should have waited until i had a wifi-ready handheld device before i started a twitter. but the looming presence of a project expedited the process. it's just as well (another saying comes to mind: there's no time like the present). now, i am suffering from being in front of the computer from the moment i come home to the time i go to sleep. it's definitely unhealthy but i can't seem to stop myself. the deal with obsession must be left for discussion to another day. meanwhile, i will continue to know the enemy and see how best to use it to my advantage.