Jeopardy

i feel like my life is in jeopardy. i feel like it's out of control. out of my control. i've been feeling this ever since i started college. it's like whatever happens to me is dictated by the people around me and at the same time, it's not. i feel like i'm on a boat without a paddle and everyone else are waves, with varying degrees of strength.

i'm tired of being in the boat, powerless against the forces surrounding me. but at the same time, i'm afraid that if i do anything, i'll end up drowning. because it's safe in the boat, but it is joyless and lonely. i'm tired of going with the flow. i want to make decisions, i want to act. and yet an unknown force is stopping me. or perhaps, there is no force and there is only me and the boat. am i that force? the force that stops me and propels me at the same time? the part that is stopping me hates to think so because she hates to have to do anything. she hates when people depend on her. she can't handle it and craves it at the same time. what to make of this madness inside my head? what to make of it?

what can i do to fix it? to fix me? it's not too late, i know it's not. and yet i feel as if so many things have passed me by. i keep getting these spurts of action, never enough follow through. how can i expect to succeed if there's no guide to light my way. i feel lost. i know where i'm going, but i don't know how to get there. in a maze, time stops because of the many paths leading you away from your goal. how many more times do i have to get lost until i figure out the way? how many more smiles am i gonna have to fake until i find true happiness? how long will it be until i can call myself free?